That Awkward Dance...

How do I know if I have truly forgiven someone?

What does forgiveness really mean?

I hate distance. I hate for there to be awkward tension and it’s killing me to have to do the things I know I have to. I understand that by giving myself the opportunity to heal, I am running a risk here. The risk is that I will have lost someone very important and dear to me.

My care and concern for them was never up for questioning. I was always sincere and willing to put my heart out to run the risk of being abused and uncovered… but at some point I realized that I had to do something different. The constant blows to my heart was not working anymore as I sign that I was loving. Why does pain have to be that. Why can’t the reception of love be my marker that I loved?

So, my usual fix for this is to be everything you want me to be. You hurt me, but you want to be my friend and I don’t want to lose you, so I’ll sacrifice my sanity and emotional well-being and stick around. I had to come to grips with the fact that I’m worth more than a “side”…or an alternative option.

I’m not good at cutting of people. I still care. I still speak. I reach out despite how I feel on the inside. 

I still love them.

That ice cold feeling of walking past someone who doesn’t acknowledge my presence– act like our hearts never shared the same dance. Awkward stepping around trying to avoid the truth of the situation… being blatantly ignored as if my reaching out is not a major sacrifice to mend something with my offender…

This hurts me.

I clearly have to find the balance… I am quick to forgive, but quick to punish myself…

I just want to love them. It should not be this complicated.