Day 5: "Scattered Showers"

Today, I woke up in pain, again. I was on a roll of being “okay” in the morning. So the pain took a mini vacation but I guess it decided to come back. So, I did what I usually don’t do. I flung my covers off of me and got out of bed. That’s a feat in itself. Usually I just end up curling into myself to relieve a bit of the pain in my chest, and roll over into a numbing, restless sleep.

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to feel like this, but the reality is that I do. I once had something that is now missing. I made myself vulnerable to the possibility of this, but trusting that this wouldn’t happen, but it did.

Today I pulled into my driveway and sobbed. Ugh! I’m over these tears, but more importantly I’m over this pain.

It rained today, and I LOVE rainy days, but for some reason I just wanted to stand in the thunderstorm and do nothing. The lightening made me feel alive and the rain was refreshing. The rumbling of thunder seemed to jolt something in me…

I don’t have the desire to eat anything. I’ve lost 13 pounds this week and all I do is cry and sleep…

I definitely don’t want to go to class tomorrow.

I had a moment, today where I almost didn’t go home. If I wasn’t tied down to school, right now (and had some funds) I would have just kept on driving until I couldn’t drive anymore and start a new life. I would start it away from people who know me, familiar faces and places and start over. Alone. I feel so STUCK!

Today, this pervert that used to harass me when I used to work at Applebee’s (he tried to get me to ride home with him in his “fancy” car, bribe me with money, flatter me with “inappropriate” comments, touch me inappropriately…) came up to me today, and gave me this awkwardly long hug. With his hands placed around my waist, he looked at me and said, “How are you? You don’t ever visit us at Applebee’s anymore.” I felt disgusting. I could have thrown up all over him in all honesty. I felt like something was taken away from me, and I can’t tell you why. You don’t get to touch me like that, and his scent was overwhelming me bringing me back to a time where I used to duck and dodge this guy… yuck.

I saw “This is The End”, today with my best friend, Marcus. It was pretty hilarious. It felt good to laugh. I was experiencing the movie so much so that when it ended and I walked out of the door, my “sadness” was there waiting for me saying, “That was cool. You ready to go, now?”

Sometimes I think that if my life is going to continue to be one heartbreak after another then I don’t want it. I want to go away and I’m not talking anything suicidal. Hear me out.

I’m tired. My heart is tired. I’m tired of crying in my car on the way to and from places. I’m tired of curling up in bed to cushion and relieve the pains that shoot through my chest. I’m tired of busying myself to avoid stopping and dealing with. I’m tired of apologizing because I feel like crap. I’m tired of annoying people because I’m going through it, right now. I’m tired of playing nice. I’m tired of grinning and bearing it. I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of taking blow after blow. I’m tired of myself (I want to jump out of my skin). I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of “taking one for the team” (when has anyone ever “took one” for me?). I’m tired of being so considerate of other people’s feelings. I’m tired of caring so much and I’m tired of putting in so much work to have it crumble in my face by the hand of the one who I was working for… I’m tired of being so open and stupid. I’m tired of always ending up right here…

And I don’t want to be here anymore.