Tonight I came home. The five year old in me wanted nothing more than to walk up to Mommy’s bed, hide my head in her chest and just sob. We have such an understanding between the two of us that sometimes she won’t even ask me what’s wrong, but let me lay there and cry… but tonight, I came home to an empty house. I was greeted by an alarm, and I felt my chest cave in. No hugs from Mommy, tonight.
I needed a hug, today. I needed one of those embraces where you lose yourself in the other person and you sob from the heart of yourself, sweating and slobbing, but the other person cares to much about you to care about the bodily fluids soaking into their shirt. I got that today from DeAnna. She smoothed my face and reassured me that all would be okay…she even fanned away the sweat beads.
I had one of those days where I was too spent to care. I found out that my financial aid (loans) isn’t as much as I had hoped for this semester. I couldn’t find a parking spot this morning, so I parked in the garage…with no parking permit. …That was a 75 dollar mistake. I was too worn to care anything about it. I had a book check in class for books I haven’t been able to purchase because my aid hasn’t come through, yet. Imagine me. One of the two black girls in class without their books…
I also had one of those moments where my intuition slapped me in the face, today. Something I knew was true, but dared not believe, was confirmed in the most painful way. Sometimes I seriously hate when I’m right. I was hoping it was some sort of over-thought insecurity of mine speaking, but the truth was laid out before words confirmed it.
Today was a rough day, for me. I honestly have no idea where I’m going with this post. My stomach feels sick and I’m on an anger high. I’m waiting to come down so I can nurse these wounds. I do this to myself. I lie to say I’m big and bad enough to handle something I’m not ready for, when the truth is I’m really tender on the inside and no one’s buying it.
I don’t feel bad about getting that hug, today. I was hurting and I needed a physical touch. If left to my own devices I don’t know what I would do to relieve this desire to be embraced; drink to take this nasty edge off, “eat my feelings”, be down on myself because that’s easier than fighting for truth…
This isn’t a happy post, and I get it. I’m just trying to be real, right now… I don’t feel well and today was a very trying day.
These are one of those days where I have to be honest with God and say, “Lord, I want nothing more than to trust you, totally but these are the times where it’s honestly hard to trust you.” Today it is hard for me to trust in the fact that God has great things in store for me. The recurring situations sit and point at me mockingly telling me this is all I’ll ever be: someone’s catalyst, financially unstable, heart broken…
Jeremiah 29:11
New Century Version (NCV)
11 I say this because I know what I am planning for you,” says the Lord. “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.”
God knows what He’s planning for me. These situations show me how blind I am to the whole picture that is my life. It shows me how little sight I really have. I’m sure as I’m looking at my life screaming, “It’s all falling apart,” God is smiling and rubbing His hands together saying, “It’s all coming together.”
Help me to see it, God. Help me to hold on to my faith and the promises you made me. Help me to be confident in the fact that You are my Lord. You are my Father. You are the Lover of my Soul and you only have plans to give me “hope and a good future”. Help me see the light in that future. When I feel like I’m losing my mind help me to remember to keep my mind stayed on You so that I will be kept in perfect peace.
You are not a God who sits high and laughs at His children. When no one understands my pain, you understand it. When I can’t verbalize my thoughts and anguish Holy Spirit translates them for me. You are so concerned about me and every facet in my life, even the parts that no one wants to listen to.
Lord, help me to hold on.
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