Day 1: The Truth About Lies...

I skipped church, today…

It wasn’t from a place of not wanting to go. I had all intentions to go to church. I hadn’t been to church in three weeks and was excited to go but something was pulling me away. I fought back and forth with myself, merging from lane to lane as I approached my exit for trying to figure out if I should attend or not. I threw my hands in the air and said an “oh well” as I looked at the fading exit sign in my rear view mirror. I was not going to be in attendance, today.

Instead, I kept driving. I wasn’t sure where I was going at first until I got to exit 25 (collegepark) and I realized I was headed in the direction of Hyattsville. I pulled into 7eleven, got two donuts and sat in front of Yogi Castle for one thing:

Quiet.

While I’m not promoting skipping church on Sunday mornings, I definitely see why I needed some one on one, quiet time with God. See, had I gone to church, I would’ve been so distracted by the music, the excited people around me, the Word that I wouldn’t have experienced being in God’s presence. I was desperate for an “experience”. But what happens when church lets out? 

A friend once told me that the reason why some people are so “hungry” and “disappointed” on Sunday morning is because they starve themselves all week. I had been starving myself of something and was expecting God to do something magical this morning. I came with my arms reached out, begging for a touch, but what have I offered up to Him? 

So I parked my vehicle, sat on the bench and pulled out my Word. I would not be spoon fed, today. I would begin to feed myself…

So, I’m beginning this journey trying to figure out where to start. It seems like I have no direction in life, I find myself on the same cycles of loneliness and depression and I’m tired. I’m tired of waking up every morning with a hole in my chest, I’m tired of busying myself to avoid dealing with my issues and problems that curl up with me in the darkest part of the night when no one is watching. Why is it that when I feel I should be so grateful and “happy”, I can’t find my joy? When I want to be excited and happy, a dark cloud is following so close behind me that I can feel it’s bitterness on my neck. I swallow it back so often, and fight to push lumps back down my throat… this is not who I was intended to be.

It’s so bad, sometimes that I deny the fact that I’m hurting out of fear of rejection from other people. It’s unacceptable to be sad, Alecia– it doesn’t make any sense. So, I put on. I smile, because that’s what you want to see. I say I’m “fine” because I don’t want you to think that I’m playing the victim…but on the inside, I feel like I’m dying.

I spend my days and nights scraping around for acceptance and love and when I don’t find it, or it slips through my fingers, I accept full responsibility for it;

“Alecia, there you go again. Pushing everyone away…”

“Alecia…you’re so unloveable.”

“Alecia, you’re always in the way.”

“Alecia, just don’t even say anything, they won’t understand you, anyway…”

“Alecia, sit down. Why try? They’re better than you are.”

I spend countless hours with people to prove to myself that I am lovable. I try to prove that people who love me won’t abandon me. It’s why I fly off of the handle when someone “leaves” me. If their interactions with me go from excited to indifferent I feel my world crashing in on me. Why? It’s not that serious, right? In my world that is the equivalent of someone losing interest in me and them running out of reasons to stay around. 

I told one of my friends this and he tells me that he finds the fact that I feel this way to be “complete BS”. What he doesn’t understand is that when you’ve heard a lie (the same one) over and over again from different people over a period of twenty or so years, you may start to take that in as truth–your truth. These lies have been fed to me since my childhood and no one really knows the struggle that is trying to maintain a healthy opinion about myself.

This is my truth, and it’s hideous. I am an insecure idolater. I use the words and approval of people to justify who I am and to make me feel alive– worth it. What God says about me is not enough because of the words and actions that slap me in my face everyday. So instead of resting in His words about me I scream at Him:

“God, why did you make me like this?!”

“God I’m not good enough.”

“God, I’m drinking because I’m never lonely when I drink…”

“God, don’t send anyone else my way because I don’t need another reminder of how ‘leaveable’ I am.”

“God, bump this. I’m hanging out, tonight.”

“God, no one will ever love me for who I really am. If they’d see me like that, they’d leave.”

I’ve imprisoned myself in the cages and binds set by the words and actions of men, and I’ve lost track of who Alecia really is.

So now it’s time to put in work! For every negative thought that comes across my mind (a lie), I must counterattack it with the Truth.

For example: 

My mind is too much for people —–> My mind is carefully and beautifully put together, crafted by God’s hands himself.

I am not beautiful—–> You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

This is too hard—–> I can do all things through Christ.

I’ll never be loved—–> I am loved.

I repel people from me—–> God removes the people that wish to only do harm to you. He has saved you.

I’ll never be completely happy—–> God will restore my joy.

I have to beg people to stay—–> Those who are meant to be there and deserve to be there will work to be there. You’re not a cheap prize.

I’m a work/mess/masterpiece in progress, good people.

Goodnight.

Philippians 4:8
New Living Translation (NLT)

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.