In Short...(random thoughts)

I have a case of “The Comfort” and I have it bad.

I feel the need to relive memories and I associate those memories that give me comfort with things such as places, foods, and even songs. I realize that we all tend to do these things without even realizing what we are doing. A scent can take you back to a childhood memory, music can help you to recall a certain point in your life, but I always questioned my seemingly addictive personality trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

When I’m homesick I’ll walk around Target or Spencer’s simply because every Spencer’s and Target tends to be the same no matter where you are. Last week I walked around Anne Arundel Mills Mall by myself not to buy anything but because I missed the fun times I had at a conference this summer. I watch Charlie Brown Christmas because I miss laying in the comforting arms of the person who let me borrow it. I am addicted to Chipotle, not necessarily because it’s phenomenal food, but because I miss the memories made with and the person that I first tried Chipotle with…

But in the end, It’s just me. No matter how much Chipotle I consume, no matter how many times I restart Charlie Brown Christmas when the pain wakes me out of my sleep, no matter how many times I walk around Anne Arundel Mills Mall…at the end of the day I’m still left with myself and this gaping hole in my chest. No one is there with me. I have allowed my mind to be tricked into believing two lies:

1. These people are with me and I’m experiencing these happenings again.

2. I’m alright.

I should be able to let things live in the past, see them as beautiful times and move on and take the chance to make more wonderful memories, but instead I’m too busy trying to keep myself in a comforting place and time where I am absolutely sure that these memories will keep me grounded– sane. 

The issue here isn’t relishing on old times, but the problem lies in my “running away” from reality. My reality is here, it is now. Instead of dealing with here and now, I go back to where I know it’s safe.

I retreat.