So, I am cheating today by writing 2 posts…we all know I didn’t write yesterday, so let’s move on from here…
I don’t know when I’m coming back, or if I’m coming back. Honestly, it feels good to be “away”. I don’t accidentally see things that I don’t want to see, I don’t have to be bothered with things I care not to be bothered with… I know I may sound a bit selfish, right now…but I don’t apologize for it.
I plan on moving, soon. I am not sure where, but I just don’t want to be around here– around “pain”. I don’t want to be around anything that reminds me of pain. I understand that painful things happen no matter where you are, but right now it just seems like I have to go. There is nothing benefiting me by staying here.
I was having lunch with one of my friends last week and we were mulling over our goals for the end of the year. I listed some goals like, working on music, continue writing, finish out the semester with all A’s, but my number one goal for the end of this year is to “just be okay…”
I’m not okay. No matter how hard I smile, and how fast I run, and how little I eat, or what movies I watch, or money I spend, or clothes I buy, or how much time I spend with my friends… I end up feeling empty inside. The pain is still set in the bottom of my stomach, I’m still trying to calm myself down with deep breathing, I’m still trying to swallow lumps lodged in my throat.
It’s not like I’m not trying. And spare me the whole “other people have it worse off than you”, speech…honestly that solves nothing. I’m over people telling me to “get over it” and to “just deal”, especially when I’ve been there for them in their time of need and gave them all the time they needed. Who am I to call your issues stupid, or small, or dumb? All I can do is try end empathize with you, and be that ear or that arm, that shoulder, that friendly face… If you don’t feel led to do that then we don’t need to talk then. Anything else is just going to make me feel worse…
Give me time. Give me space. This has been a long time coming.
If this annoys you, you have a choice of not continuing to read. I would not be offended. Honestly (aside from the people who follow my blog) I have no idea who’s reading this anyway, so I would not be offended.
This “sadness” is much deeper than the surface issues swirling around in my head. I cry at least three times a day. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I am not motivated to do much of anything but move away, which can only be done when I graduate (so school is taken care of).
I don’t know who to trust, these days. I don’t even trust myself…
The Christian in me understands that what I’m going through now will probably be used for the betterment of someone else. The Christian in me understands that this is bigger than me, that someday this will be added to my testimony to help bring others to or closer to Christ… I get that…but can I just be real for a moment?
I am sick and tired of being a catalyst for people. That’s all I’ve ever been, all my life. You may think I’m over exaggerating, but this has been my life. I live my life to push others forward and marvel at the progress and lovely lives other people lead…
In chemistry, a catalyst is a substance that causes or accelerates a chemical reaction without itself being affected. It is something that causes activity between two or more persons or forces without itself being affected. It is a person whose talk, enthusiasm, or energy causes others to be more friendly, enthusiastic, or energetic.
I told one of my friends that I actually resent the fact that I have been the “catalyst” for so many people for so long. I look around and people who have used me, abused me, and have done wrong to me have been catapulted into their “better” and have the nerve to turn around and thank me for it.
“If I never did this to you I wouldn’t have been here/gotten this/understood this about myself/etc.”
Usually I’ll smile genuinely for I’m happy that these people finally came to an understanding of themselves, or entered a better life for themselves, or are making out wonderfully… but too often I look around at what I have left with; a broken heart, a mess I’m left to clean up, questions concerning myself and my self worth…
A couple of smiles and “thank you’s” have seemed like that was enough before, but I realize that those experiences, whether the people meant it or not, turn out to take more out of me than I had liked to notice.
I’m always someone’s “rest stop”, so to speak. These travelers seek me out, find nourishment in me and rest, and “different scenery”, and I give and I give and I give… I replenish, I provide company, give a little tour of the area, a little background history with so much excitement…but at the end of the day, their stay is only temporary and the loss is great. They’re gone and what was the trade-off? A good time? A couple of laughs? A couple of “touristy” photos?
Their mission was never to stick around, but to get refueled on what they needed and to move on… to their desired destination…
…But I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this lonely town, waiting for the next rush of visitors to come on in and load up on what they need…hoping that maybe this time someone will appreciate the area enough to stick around for a while.
No one should have to live a life like this…not even me. I’m worth more than a visit.
I’m worth the appreciation, commitment, assurance, love, reciprocity…
I’m worth the stay.
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