This Is My Truth

My truth is that I definitely want to experience more of God. I want to be so in love with Him and to be able to feel His hand on mine leading me along the way and guiding me through every obstacle. I want to know and believe whole-heartedly that He has my best interests in mind and that I can do all things through Him. I want to believe that He loves me more than I can stand and understand. I want to believe that He has a plan for my life, that somehow He will get glory from this vapor, which I am.

The problem is that I don’t believe.

I told myself that if I started this, I was going to be 100% honest with God and myself. And honestly, I’m not so strong in my faith, right now. Don’t get me wrong. I love God. I know with everything in me that Christ is the Savior… (Insert confessional here), I just can’t feel it to believe it.

I’ve lost touch with everything around me and I have no idea where to start. I sit at the piano, tips placed on keys, blindly fingering notes that flood the room in a noisy cluttered fashion. I feel like I can’t make music anymore. I open my mouth to sing and because my heart doesn’t believe the words that swim by my heart nothing comes out. I can’t remember how to sing. I reach out to hug others with my words and kind gestures, but I can’t love, because I don’t love myself, right now. Instead of reaching out in love, I cower in fear that you will see me and love me less than I love myself.

I don’t believe in anything.

I feel like my life is a lie. I go about my normal routine in a monotonous fashion and numbness wraps its suffocating arms around everything I feel, love and believe. I can’t remember what life feels like, and I fear that no amount of prayer or reading that can resurrect me. I don’t want anymore “experiences” where I leave on a high and cry in the corners of the night.

So, I seek to feel alive in so many different forms and I care not if it toxic or detrimental. All I know and care about is the fact that I feel. For thirty minutes I can be important to someone costing me little to nothing, for an hour or so, I can feel giddy and loose under the influence of a drink or two costing me 4 dollars. It takes four dollars to feel awake—alive. I miss music and singing, and believing, and dreaming and writing, and loving…

I’m sure a big God made me in His image and loves me; I’m just not sure if this big God can fix me. I’ve actually made peace with the fact that I’ll never be whole—that I’ll never experience sustained joy and that this depression will be a thorn in my side. I hear people sing about their breakthroughs and speak about it and I believe it for them and I celebrate with them. However, I’m not so sure if I believe it for myself.

I’m not asking for sympathy or to be lectured about how I’m a horrible person, or how faithless and downtrodden I seem to have become. No one asked you and the truth is, I already know. I have no idea how to go about fixing this or if it will be fixed.

All I have is right now, and all I know is that I’m here.